Pijo– Posh twat, essentially.
(Excuse the language) this slang term is used by the normals of Madrid (and I imagine the rest of the country) to describe wealthy kids and their parents, who can afford to drive imported cars, attend private (read: wildly expensive) schools, and they wear foreign-brand clothing like Ralph Lauren and Loewe.

Jilipollas– literally means douche bag, but is far more offensive in Spanish than it is in American slang. It is, however, common to describe a poor-decision-making idiot you know in Madrid. Ahem, an asshole. This is Madrid-specific slang.

gatos– what Madrileños are called. Un gato real is uncommon, as a lot of people move into the city instead of being born there. The moniker comes from some battle a bajillion years ago where fighters from Madrid scaled the walls like cats. Where were the walls? Not sure. What battle? No recollection. It also has ties to Madrileños staying up all night prowling the city, like cats.

polla– DO NOT CONFUSE POLLA WITH POLLO. The later references chicken you’d eat, the former is a coy term for penis. Beware.

botellon– It means street drinking, and is very common. Because of the Spanish economic fallout so many yound people cannot afford to move out of their parent’s home, so they drink in the streets while hanging out with friends. It was local knowledge while we were there that as long as you weren’t stationary, you could drink in the streets, and if you did sit down in a park to drink, you’d better have nothing stronger than beer.

tio– literally means uncle, but you’ll hear guys call each other this as they hug in greeting. It’s like a Spanish “bro.”

la leche– As in “Es la leche.” It is like hearing someone stateside say, “That’s the shit!” They love it, it is so cool, it’s the best.

vale– Ok

¡Venga!– at the end of a sentence it can be an eye-rolling word intended to impart disbelief. Like saying, “Come on!” when a buddy suggests something stupid.

The Madrileño’s dialect of slang is vaaaaaaast and wild. The Spanish have a jungle of words they use colloquially. Keep an ear open, have someone you can ask. Good luck.

The theory of the Texpat: Someone who once lived in Texas, and has left our amber-waves-of-grain motherland to reside as an immigrant in some land that’s maybe not as great, but no one’s ever sure. Always on the look-out for good tacos and salsa.

La Venganza de La Malinche– 1€ Coronitas (little bottles of Corona) on Wednesday, along with 1€ mini tacos. This place is styled to look like you’ve ventured into a Mayan cave, and is by far the coolest restaurant I went inside of in my whole stay in Spain. The staff is really helpful and friendly, and the bar tender is easy to cut up with. La Venganza was easy to be a regular at.
I’d recommend the tacos al pastor if you go on the euro Wednesday. Another thing you might pick up on Miercoles is a Michilada. The michilada is a beer that has had hot sauce and a few other spices added to it, and is revered at Mexican restaurants Texas-wide. It is a personal favourite drink, and we went here for Michilada Miercoles, thus endearing ourselves to the bartender (my friends more so than me, for they went more regularly). Also: decent margaritas.
Apparently, there are a few locations. We always went to the one off of Calle de la Montera.

Mercado de San Fermin– this marketplace (similar, but smaller than, Mercado de San Miguel) has two stalls perfect for the homesick Texan.
There is a stand downstairs that has tacos and margaritas, though the tacos aren’t especially spicy. They do have a few salsas, but they, too, are not quite what I’m used to back home. This stall (whose name I know not) has a great rose flavoured margarita, very gentle and interesting in flavour.
Upstairs, there is a place in the far back right corner (from where you enter) that serves skewers of meat and veggies– what might be called a kebab at a US cookout, but isn’t a kebab in Madrid.
There is one flavour in particular called “hijoputa.” Excuse the skewer’s, ahem, strong name, for the name only fits its strong spicy flavour. It’s one of the only legitimately hot items Trinh and I had in Spain. Actually, it was so spicy I only tried hers, I never bothered buying one of mine own. It has pieces of jalapeño in between beef chunks (beef is also uncommon in Spain, as it is hard to come by in Europe in general), slathered in a hot sauce.

Mexican place near Tribunal (maybe Anton Martin?)– Another place none of my group can remember the name of, forgive us. I also couldn’t find it hunting on Yelp! Ugh.
Me and a handful of friends went here for Trinh’s birthday. We grew up together in the Top of Texas, and her mom is Mexican, so she missed Mexican food just as much (if not more so) than I did.
The inside is painted BRIGHT and there is fun Mexican artwork hung on the walls, including a portrait of Frieda Kahlo. They have incredible drinks including a promising Piña Colada. Really their drink menu is ace. I didn’t eat, but Trinh (my fellow Texan) said the flavours were good, just not spicy enough.

For the Texan really just missing spicy: Atena,a kebab place not too far from the Tribunal metro stop. Their spicy kebab is legitimately spicy!!! And delicious, and the tiny staff is friendly, the food is cheap, and the other regulars here were always nice to us. It was amazing, and we were suuuuuper regular. You can also get jalapeño slices on your kebab, BONUS POINTS!!! Also, they deliver, so that’s freaking AMAzing, wow wow wow.

Calle de San Vicente Ferrer, 13
28004 Madrid
Spain

Somewhere (I don’t know because I never went there) there is a burger joint owned by Texans. From what I’ve heard, is decent. ALSO DON’T KNOW IT’S NAME, whoops. But not-fastfood-burgers made by a Texan? That sounds nice. If I had stayed longer, I would have made SURE we went there. Good luck hunting it down.

In a higher-end part of Madrid there is a park.

In that park there is a temple.

That temple is from Egypt.

It’s a minor temple from a once great Isis religious center near the upper Nile.

The Templo de Debod.

The tourist attraction (which is gorgeous, and you should definitely visit) was a gift from an Egyptian crooked leader to a Spanish crooked leader (Franco) for his help in building the Suez canal. Or that’s what I was told, apparently THAT’S WRONG (though it did happen during Franciscimo).

Still from one dictator to another. To Spain, with tyranny…

“In 1960, due to the construction of the Aswan High Dam and the consequent threat posed by its reservoir to numerous monuments and archeological sites, UNESCO made an international call to save this rich historical legacy.^[4][5] As a sign of gratitude for the help provided by Spain in saving the Abu Simbel temples, the Egyptian state donated the temple of Debod to Spain in 1968.”

The site is magical at sunset, the bold colors of the Spanish sunset melting over this architectural site from an era of world history that feels magical itself.
If you’re a runner, this is a great park to go for a jog through, as that’s what locals often use it for. There are often circles of yoga groups practicing in the little grass yards, cyclists with their dogs looped up to their bike handles.
Its a cool, active park, and after your brief cardio or calming meditation, you can watch the purple sky and molten gold sun melt over the stones from another land, even more miles away.